Title: The Eight Fingered Fiend of Lake Porker
Genre: Humor/Satire
Author: Fletcher Best
Publisher: Fletcher Best
Pages: 202
Language: English
Format: Paperback
Purchase at AMAZON
Dark
secrets lie just below the surface of the small town of Lake Porker, Texas. The
long-time, yet much-despised mayor has been keeping his job by means of rigging
elections with the help of the town clerk, a highly respected woman who
secretly happens to be the mayor's dominatrix lover. The man that most of the
town thinks is a successful stock day trader is actually a methamphetamine
kingpin. His drop-dead beautiful and supposedly devoted God-fearing wife is not
only plotting to kill him and take over his meth empire, but she's having sex
with everyone and anyone she thinks will be helpful in advancing that goal. The
new African-American deputy is drawing the ire of the town rednecks and is
secretly involved in a May - December romance with the sheriff's wife. Then
there's Octavio, the oversexed freshwater octopus bred by the brilliant and
lonely fish hatchery scientist who has trained him in the ways of pleasure and
has taken him as her lover.
The
giant octopus periodically escapes the fish breeding lab and roams the lake
looking for other targets for his sexual talents, much to the confusing
combination of arousal and horror in his victims. Octavio can't be kept secret
forever, and soon he attracts the attention of a cryptozoologist and
documentary film producer and his intrepid cameraman out to make their next hit
reality television special. All of this plays out in an absurd, darkly comedic
romp filled with sex, drugs, and violence.
Welcome
to the cold, sticky embrace of The Eight Fingered Fiend Of Lake Porker!
First Chapter:
Prologue
It’s homecoming
for Abdullah “Abs” White. The long-time
Dallas police officer has moved back to his hometown of Lake Porker, Texas to
take a job with the town sheriff’s department.
The return to Lake Porker is not really by preference though. Abs liked his job in Dallas, but his widower
father is getting up in years and Abs decided it was time to move back home so
he could help his father as needed.
The
African-American lawman knows that the transition won’t be easy. Abs originally left Lake Porker right after
high school because he longed for the big city where there was more excitement
and less racism – at least overt racism anyway. He’s prepared for the fact that there’s
still a significant number of the townspeople who are not going to take kindly
to a black deputy.
But there’s a
lot that Abs isn’t prepared for. Things
could get pretty weird on the mean streets of Dallas and he thinks he’s seen it
all in his years as a cop, but that’s about to change. The sleepy little town of Lake Porker holds
some deep, dark secrets, and Abs is about to run headlong into them!
Chapter 1: Bless Your Heart
“Well, Dr.
Braun, what a pleasant surprise!” Betty Joe Porker-Wilkins gushed as Dr. Helga
Braun shyly approached the front table of the annual Lake Porker Christian
Church bake sale with a tray of brownies.
“Uh, h-hello,
Betty Joe,” Dr. Braun replied quietly.
“I, uh, the Institute directors, well they want me to be more, uh,
active in the community. They said I
should, uh, participate in the bake sale this year. I made brownies. I h-hope they’re good enough. I d-don’t bake much.”
Betty Joe
smiled, stepped out from behind the table, and put an arm around Dr. Braun’s
shoulder. “Well bless your heart! I’m so
glad you decided to come! It’s been a
while since we’ve seen you in church, and it’s so nice to have you here!” she
said warmly as she led the scientist over to a table to set her brownies out on. “And don’t you look nice today,” Betty Joe
continued. “That lab coat of yours paired with that dress really sets off your…
well, it makes you look so… well… researcher-like!”
“Uh, thank
you?” Dr. Braun replied, not sure if the comment was a compliment or not. Dr. Helga Braun was not used to getting
complimented on her appearance. While a
very intelligent woman, she had never really considered herself to be
attractive, and everyone else she had ever met seemed to agree, except for her
late mother who had always tried to encourage her. But with her short, stocky body that she
always encased in formless mumu-style dresses under her signature lab coat, and
thick-lensed glasses that distorted the look of her face, compliments on her
appearance were rare. Actually, they had
been non-existent since her mother passed away.
Her looks were occasionally compared to those of a well-known celebrity
she did bear a passing resemblance to when seen at certain angles in a certain
light. Those comparisons could hardly be
considered to be complimentary though, as the celebrity was Ernest
Borgnine.
“You’re very
welcome,” Betty Joe replied, as she took the plate of brownies from Dr. Braun
and removed the foil covering. She
couldn’t help but cringe when the sight of the brownies greeted her. They were flat, burned, and so dry they were
crumbling just from setting the plate on the table. “Well, don’t those look… interesting,” Betty
Joe said diplomatically.
“I’m a-afraid I
burned them a little,” Dr. Braun admitted.
“They, they don’t look very good, do they?” she asked as she squinted
and crinkled her nose, looking at Betty Joe for her reaction.
“Nonsense,”
Betty Joe replied with a smile. “They’re
as pretty as their baker!” she exclaimed, being honest for the first time in
their conversation.
Dr. Braun blushed. “Oh, my God!
Pretty? Nobody’s ever called me
that before. Not even my mother! And from you, and you’re so beautiful… In
fact, you’re outright gorgeous…”
“Now, now,
let’s not get carried away…” Betty Joe said quickly. “I’m just lucky to have learned early on how
to hide my flaws with makeup and clothes.”
But Betty Joe
was stretching the truth again. While
she did know a thing or two about makeup and clothes, she was about as close to
flawless looking as a human being can be.
Tall, blonde and tan, with perfect sparkling teeth and deep blue eyes
and a body that looked as good or better up close and personal as any
airbrushed magazine model, Betty Joe was stunning. She always dressed conservatively when out
and about, but even in her usual modest flower-patterned and lace-trimmed
dresses, she never failed to turn the head of every man in town and even the
heads of quite a few of the women.
Betty Joe
turned to Dr. Braun, “And you’re so smart!
I’m about as dumb as a brick.
You’re so blessed to have beauty and brains!”
Dr. Braun
blushed again. “Thank you,” she smiled a
crooked smile that, combined with the distorted look of her eyes behind her
thick glasses, almost gave Betty Joe the shivers, but she managed to shake them
off.
“You’re
welcome, dear,” Betty Joe smiled. “You
know, I’m so glad you came today. I’ve
heard you do some fascinating work over at the Institute and I’d love to learn
more about that,” she said as she led Dr. Braun away from the table to the
shade of a nearby oak tree.
“Well,” Dr.
Braun began, trying to focus her thoughts amidst her rapidly-developing crush
on Betty Joe, “I run aquatic breeding experiments. Mostly I work with breeding largemouth bass
and catfish to grow bigger and heartier for stocking in Lake Porker and other
sites in Texas, but I have a few side projects too.”
“Well bless
your heart, that is so interesting,” Betty Joe said as she flirtatiously
flipped her blonde hair with her fingers.
“Out of curiosity, do you do anything with chemistry, like developing
new products?” she asked. “It’s always
been a dream of mine to start my own line of beauty products, but I have no
idea how to go about formulating them.”
“Well, my
current job is really about genetics and breeding, but I do have a background
in chemistry as well. I suppose I might
be able to help you with developing your products,” Dr. Braun nodded.
“I was hoping
you’d say that!” Betty Joe
enthused. “The only problem will be
keeping my mind on business with you around in your smart lab-coat,” she said
coyly as she gently placed a hand on Dr. Braun’s shoulder.
Dr. Braun was
shocked. Was Betty Joe coming on to
her? She had always considered herself
to be straight, but in truth had never had the opportunity to really test that
theory. As far as she knew Betty Joe was
a happily married, heterosexual, God-fearing woman. But despite her inexperience in romance, it
seemed pretty clear to Dr. Braun that Betty Joe wanted more than just someone
to formulate beauty products. Suddenly
her mind was filled with lustful thoughts about Betty Joe. Her body flushed and she could feel her
nethers getting damp. Though it was
early summer in Central Texas, the heat she was feeling had nothing to do with
the weather. Maybe she wasn’t so straight after all.
“W-why don’t
you c-come to my lab t-tonight and I’ll s-show you around?” Dr. Braun said
nervously, desperately hoping that Betty Joe would agree.
“That would be
lovely,” Betty Joe said with a smile and a wink as she slid her hand down Dr.
Braun’s arm and gave her hand a squeeze.
“Would around 8:00 be a good time to… come?” she said, subtly
emphasizing the last word.
“Y-yes!” was
all Dr. Braun could manage to reply.
“Wonderful!”
Betty Joe exclaimed as she leaned over and gave Dr. Braun a hug. “Until this evening then, Dr. Braun,” she
said as she turned to head back to the bake sale entrance.
“P-please,
c-call me Helga,” Dr. Braun replied in what came out as a hoarse whisper.
“Well, bless
your heart! Helga it is!” Betty Joe
nodded over her shoulder.
Dr. Braun took
a moment to collect herself. Did that
really just happen? She was under
orders from her bosses at the Texas Institute of Technology and Science to
mingle and socialize at the bake sale for PR purposes. While the TITS fish breeding facility had always
been accepted by the people of Lake Porker, plans for future expansion would
require additional land that the Institute would have to purchase from the town
and the directors figured a little extra goodwill couldn’t hurt in getting the
voters to agree to a favorable deal. Dr.
Braun had not been excited about socializing before her conversation with Betty
Joe, and she was even less focused on the task now.
Dr. Braun took
a deep breath and straightened her lab coat as she made her way back to the
bake sale. She awkwardly attempted to
strike up conversations with a few of the other attendees, but her usual
shyness combined with her Betty Joe-related distraction resulted in very short
conversations that consisted mostly of her saying hello and her getting a hello
or nod back. All the same, she did her
best and after an hour or so of her unsuccessful attempts to engage others in
conversation, she selected a few bake sale items and headed for the table where
Betty Joe and a few other women were collecting the money.
“Looks like you
found some things to your liking, Dr. Braun… I mean Helga,” Betty Joe said as
she greeted her with a brilliant smile that sparkled in the sunlight like her
teeth were perfectly cut diamonds.
“Uh, yes,”
Helga replied, fighting off the lustful feelings that were rushing back at
being in close proximity to Betty Joe.
“Let’s see, we
have some of Florence’s pound cake, Alice’s turnovers, and a bag of my
chocolate chip cookies. That will be
$8.00 even, sweetie,” Betty Joe said.
Helga dug out
her wallet from her purse and fumbled through her money before handing a five
and three ones to Betty Joe.
“Well bless
your heart, exact change and everything,” Betty Joe said as she placed the
bills in their respective slots of the cash box. “I hope you enjoy my cookies,” she said with
a wink. “I’ll see you later, sweetie.”
The Eight Fingered Fiend of Lake Porker
About the Author
Fletcher Best is an American author of humorous fiction and science fiction. He is the author of the Stranded In Time series of science fiction novels, including Pirates of the Storm, The Corpornation, and the upcoming third installment, Timeless. His humorous works include Sniffing Out Stink Ape, The Great Chupacabra Kerfuffle, and The Eight Fingered Fiend of Lake Porker.
In addition to his novels, Fletcher Best also writes short stories that are published exclusively for the enjoyment of visitors to his website, FletcherBest.com. These include the popular, Manatee Vengeance - Blood at the Boat Launch, Alien Invasion of the Zombie Apocalypse, Operation Black Friday, and A Fabulous Business Opportunity.
Born in Miami , Florida Texas since 1988. He (or more correctly, his real-life alter-ego George Best) attended Parker College of Chiropractic in Dallas before beginning a chiropractic practice in San Antonio in 1992. He has resided in San Antonio ever since and now lives in sin with his girlfriend and their 4 cats (the sin being strictly with the girlfriend, not the cats).
Readers are invited to connect with Fletcher through his website at http://www.FletcherBest.com.
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